Otogibanashi
by johre
Summary: The title says it all, really. Shounen Ai, Bad Fairy Tale Cliches and the mutilation of woodland creatures. (?xOtogi) (SetoxJou)


Author's Note: Wow. Weird things happen when I get bored.

Once Upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a princess who had funny little buns on her ears. This princesses name was Leia, and she had a couple problems. One, she was a slave to a big greasy slug for a while, and then she found out that the guy she was in love with was actually her brother! Oh no! And not only that, but she was going to end up falling in love with Harrison Ford, who hung around with a big hairy alien. Sucks to be her.

But that's not the focus of our story. Instead, let us travel about a couple hundred-billion miles west and come to another kingdom, with another princess. And this one is not quite as unfortunate as Leia. Anyway! The princess in this kingdom's name was Mai. To be certain, she was beautiful. Her long flaxen hair could be compared to spun gold, her fair skin was without blemish and her eyes glittered like amethysts. However, for all her good looks she was kind of a bitch. She liked to yell at people and took even greater delight in using others for her own means. And nobody dared stand up to her, for after all - she **was** a princess.

The only thing Mai liked better then torturing people was receiving complements. And to this end, her most prized possession was a magic mirror. Every morning when she got up, and every night just before she went to bed (And, if she had time, on several occasions in between.) she would sit down in front of the mirror and say:

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" And then she would laugh (And of course, her laugh sounded as pretty as the chiming of bells, because how could it sound like anything else? This is a fairy tale, for God's sake.) because she already knew what the mirror's answer would be. Still, it was nice to hear how gorgeous she was time and time again.

So she would ask, and then the spirit of the mirror would appear (He was known as Jounouchi; because it was too cumbersome to say 'Spirit Of The Mirror' Everytime somebody was referring to him.) and say, "Dat would be you. Just like when ya axed me about five minutes ago."

Then she would smile her pretty smile and flash her dazzling white teeth and flounce off to go about her business as usual.

Now, let's take a break and go back in time about 14 years. Because the authoress forgot to put this necessary back story in the beginning, and figures that now is as good a time as any. Ahem. Princess Mai was a precocious little thing of about 6 and was still learning how to be properly obnoxious. Her aunt, the Queen's sister had just given birth to a son, and they named him Otogi. He was such a cute little baby, with a cute little tuft of black hair on his head and the most startling green eyes anyone had ever seen. And since he was the first boy born into the royal bloodline, he was destined to become king. And that suited Mai just fine. Despite the fact that she was the King's actual daughter, she had no interest in running the kingdom; heaven knows all that stress would give her wrinkles. So while most Princesses in her situation would have been bitter, and perhaps cruel to the little guy, Mai simply ignored Otogi like the insignificant little speck of dust that he was to her.

And now that we have that necessary little bit of exposition out of the way, we can fast forward to the present. Otogi had certainly come into his own over the years. He had allowed his hair to grow long and it was sleek and the color of ebony. His eyes had only gotten more dazzling over time and anyone who gazed into them became instantly infatuated. Not only that, but his body was nothin' to scoff at either. Baby got back, man.

So, sure enough, one day when Princess Mai sat down in front of her mirror and said the magic words, Jounouchi had a nasty little shock for her.

"Er...atchally, your cousin Otogi is prettier den yoo." He winced and waited to be smashed into a million little Jounouchi fragments, but Mai only stood up angrily and stalked from the room. Obviously, she had been expecting this.

A small bit of searching would allow you to discover her in the royal gardens a few minutes later, talking to her faithful manslave, Rex. Well...not so much talking as bossing around.

"Okay, let's see if you can get this through your thick skull." She said, rapping on the aforementioned thick skull, "I want you to take Otogi out into the woods and kill him. Or at least horrendously disfigure him." She cackled and it didn't sound very much like the chiming of bells.

Rex nodded. He really didn't want to (He wasn't such a bad guy, you see, he just hadn't been given such a great lot in life.) but if he didn't kill Otogi, then Mai would certainly kill him.

"Yes ma'am."

"Good boy." She patted him on the head and trotted off, much happier then she had been before, now that this little problem had been attended to.

------ In The Forest, About An Hour Later -------

"Sooo..." Otogi looked around at the trees surrounding them, "Why was it that you wanted to go for a walk with me?"

Rex stopped walking and sighed. It was now or never. He pulled a large hunting knife out of his belt and turned to Otogi, keeping the dagger hidden behind his back.

"I-" He started to apologize for what he was about to do, but the sight that met him stopped him mid-sentence.

Sunlight filtered through the treetops, casting beams of light around the patch of wildflowers that Otogi was standing next to, giving him an angelic look. Hordes of small, cute animals crowded around the boy, twitching their cute little whiskers and wagging their cute little tails. Otogi bent down to pat a bunny on the head and laughed (It was even more like the chiming of bells then Mai's laugh!) as a squirrel jumped up on his shoulder and chittered in his ear. Please excuse the implausibility of this scene, it's not any less plausible then Yugi having a creepy pharaoh guy sharing his body, and you swallowed that one without complaint.

And so overwhelmed was he by the beauty and innocence (HAH. Innocence. SNERKKKK) that Otogi radiated, that...

Rex melted. Not literally, mind you. Figuratively.

"Aw damnit, it's just like a Disney movie or fan fiction or somethin'," He groaned and dropped the knife, "I'm gonna be so dead for this."

And then he told Otogi of the plot to kill him, about how jealous Mai was of him, and how freakin' hot he looked in those pants.

Otogi was a little put-off, to say the least. Wouldn't you be?

"Do you really think so? I thought they made my butt look kinda big..."

"No, No." Rex assured him, "Your butt looks great, as usual."

Otogi nodded, appeased. "So what am I going to do now? I can't go back or Mai will try to have me killed again." He frowned, yet it didn't detract from his beauty at all. Such was the nature of the magnificent Otogi. "That bitch."

"It seems to me that you'll just have to run away. I'm sure you'll find a cozy little cottage in the deepest part of the forest that's inhabited by seven people that will have no trouble taking you in even though you're another mouth to feed. And who knows? Maybe a handsome prince will come along, and he'll be so taken by your good looks that he's sweep you off your feet and you'll live happily ever after." Rex sighed happily. Oh, to be handsome. Maybe if he was then he could be the hero of a fairy tale like that.

Otogi cocked his perfectly shaped eyebrow and stared at him.(He didn't even need to tweeze them, they were just naturally perfect.)

"Just a thought." Rex shrugged.

Otogi nodded, "It looks like I don't have any other choice. It's been nice knowing ya, Rex."

"Yeah, you too..."

And partly because they didn't know what else to say, and partly because the Authoress is getting pretty lazy, they abruptly parted ways. Otogi went deeper into the forest, and Rex headed back to the castle to tell Mai...something or other.

----

Now, let's fast-forward again. I'm sure you don't want to read about Otogi stumbling around in the dark scary forest all alone and scared. After all, Yu-Gi-Oh is a creation of Japan; and surely you know what else comes from there. Tentacle rape, Sailor Moon and minty eye drops. Heaven knows that terrible things indeed went on in that forest, but since I'm shooting for a PG rating, we're going to skip all that and rejoin Otogi as he's about to collapse from exhaustion and fear. Poor little dude.

He personally felt like crying, but since the authoress is a stickler for good characterization, he couldn't. Still, giving up all hope was reasonably in character for him so he thought to himself, 'That doesn't sound so bad right about now.'

And he would have done it too, (Oh...then this wouldn't be much of a story, now would it?) had it not been for the plume of smoke rising to the sky from over the treetops that he noticed. Feeling his strength returning, he headed in the general direction of the smoke, hoping his salvation from the dark scary forest of Japanese tentacle rape lay there.

Before long (Once again, because the authoress felt like referring to herself, and didn't feel like typing out his progress.) he came into a clearing, and in the center of that clearing a quaint little cottage was situated. It had cobblestone walls and a thatched roof with a chimney. (Which is where the smoke was coming from...go figure.) In fact, it would be the perfect picture of coziness, had it not been for the front wall.

Skeletons of woodland creatures littered the ground in small piles (And would have blocked the door but it looked like someone had cleared a path leading out.) some as small as mice, ranging all the way up to a full-grown deer and what looked like a bear. Scrawled on the wall itself above the carnage in some sort of red liquid (Otogi realized with some degree of repulsion and horror that it was blood.) was:

_Malik the omnipotent wuz here._

And directly underneath that:

_So was the Magnificent Thief King Bakura. And at least I can spell 'was', Malik you retard!_

_Squinting, he read the final line that was a lot messier then the other two, but was written in black magic marker instead._

_Kaiba smellz._

For a second, Otogi wondered if it was really all that smart to be here, as the inhabitants of this house were all obviously quite insane. Still, he hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast and stumbling around in the forest of Japanese Horrors tends to wear a guy out. Besides, there weren't any _human_ skeletons out there. He would probably be okay. He hoped.

Steeling his resolve with a deep breath, he intrepidly (Vocab word! The authoress would like to take the time to congratulate herself on that one!) marched up to door and gave a good, solid knock.

No answer.

He knocked again, feeling that hard-won resolve starting to give. Still receiving no answer, he knocked one final time (And prepared to just walk away and cut his losses) when, much to his surprise, the door swung open slowly with a dissonant (Again! Score! I am just racking up these Vocab words.) creak.

"Hello...?" He called into the open doorway. There were no lights on inside, and since by now it was sundown, it was very dark inside. Still receiving no response, he came to the conclusion that nobody was home. Or maybe they were just sleeping. Or planning a surprise party for somebody. Nice one, Otogi. Guess those good looks come with smarts, eh?

Since he was raised as royalty, of course Otogi knew something of manners and common sense. It would be wrong to simply walk in because A) It was downright rude and B) Judging by the massacres that had obviously taken place in the yard, these people could be scary axe murderers just waiting for him to drop his guard and walk in so they could torture and murder him.

But goddamn, he was hungry. A piece of bread wasn't so much to ask, was it? Or a glass of water? And besides, he was royalty. Peasants should feel honored that he picked their abode to regain his strength.

Content with that justification he stepped into the house...

---- Convenient Scene Change ----

Our good friend Rex, meanwhile, had also managed to get out of the forest, and was now standing at the entrance to the castle. He had no idea what he was going to tell Mai, and was starting to get desperate. If she found out that he had failed to do her bidding, she would do worse then kill him! She might even…perish the thought…dress him in drag and parade him around the castle as a little servant girl that she had taken under her wing in all of her worldly compassion!

He still hadn't recovered from the last time she did that.

Just as he was about turn back and look into faking his own death, he heard someone call his name. For a second he panicked, thinking it was Mai, but breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it was just Weevil, the royal Bug Guy. You see, this kingdom was so incredibly rich that it could afford to hire a Bug Guy just for shits and giggles.

"Man, you look like someone killed your dog." Weevil raised his eyebrow as he walked up to the depressed man slave of Mai. "Wanna talk about it?" Weevil batted his eyelashes shamelessly.

You see, it was quite apparent that Weevil had a 'thing' for Rex. Rex wasn't as depressed by the idea itself so much as the fact that Weevil was the best he could managed to snag. Still, he wouldn't consider Weevil a prospective mate…after all, he was a Royal Bug Guy. That wasn't the sort of boyfriend you would want to bring home to your parents. They wanted Doctors and Lawyers…not Bug Guys.

Still, Weevil was willing to listen and it was better then taking out one's frustrations on the Royal Stress Ball. So he told him everything, and when he was finished, Weevil looked at him with a look that could only be described as 'Insanely and unequivocally furious'.

"I can't believe you!" He screeched.

"Um…w-what?" Rex stammered, trying desperately to figure what he'd done wrong _this_ time.

"Don't play dumb with me, Rex Raptor! You know very well what I'm talking about!"

"…"

"Gawd!" Weevil through up his hands, "How can somebody as cute as you be so dumb!"

Rex wasn't sure whether he was supposed to take that as an insult or a compliment, but before he could decide, Weevil was jabbering away again.

"I can't believe you went into the forest of Japanese horrors alone with that hussy!"

"Uh…Weevil?" Rex interjected, noticing a rather fast-moving carriage heading up the path.

"Don't even try to justify this! I can't believe you could do this to me!"

"Yeah, I'm real sorry Weevil, but there's-"

"Sorry!? You're sorry!? Look at me! I'm so emotional that I have to use both an exclamation point _and_ a question mark to punctuate!"

"But-"

"I don't want to hear it Rex. Forget it. We're _over_."

Rex wanted to point out that, technically they were never not-over to begin with. But before he could, the carriage quite promptly reached them and ran over Weevil. Yes, just like that. He was annoying the authoress. Oh, don't worry about the carriage driver. She'll be okay, she was doing the speed limit, so there won't be any legal ramifications.

Anyway, back to Rex.

He was trying to decide whether it was better to run away and hope nobody noticed that the kingdom was down one Bug Guy or better to attempt some kind of first aid, when the very person he wanted to see the least sidled up beside him. (Dun DUN DUN!)

Princess Mai.

"Hello Rexy."

"H-Hello, Mai-sama."

"What happened here?" She gestured to the puddle of organs and mess that had once been Weevil.

"Er…Hit-an'-Run, I guess."

"Oh, that's too bad…"

Neither one said anything. The authoress went to get a soda. Somewhere, a cat coughed up one hell of a hairball. Finally, Mai got bored with the silence. Thank god.

"So, how did it go?"

"…Er…how did what go, Mai-sama?" He stalled while desperately trying to think of something to tell her.

"The assassination! What else, you numbskull?"

"Oh…that. Um…it went…good." He grinned up at her in what he hoped was an innocent, winning fashion.

She glanced at him suspiciously, not trusting him, but not believing that he would be audacious (Wo0t! Another one!) enough to lie to her. Ah, Royal Arrogance.

"That's funny, there's no blood on you at all…I thought you were going to stab him and then mangle his face?"

"Oh…uh…I decided to push him off a cliff instead. But don't worry! He's reeeally dead. Scout's honor!" He laughed nervously.

She stared at him for another long moment, during which he nearly had a brain aneurysm due to stress. Finally, she smiled her award winning Princess Smile and patted him on the head.

"Good boy, Rex. I'm glad I could count on you." And with that, she flounced back into the castle, whistling a cheerful tune.

And now, the chapter will end. This was supposed to be a one-shot, but the Authoress is bored with this already and it's hit the 3000 word mark. That's quite enough for one night, and she has school in the morning. Stay tuned for the next chapter - it's gonna be a doozy.


End file.
